Laura’s mother looked at her schedule for the day and sighed… “So, after school’s over I take her to soccer practice and then dance class! We can have a quick meal in between, and hopefully see Dad for a little while before bedtime.”
This is a microcosm of what some families go through each day of the week. And, we haven’t even talked about the homework factor. These families are usually very well-meaning, hoping exposure to these organized activities will maximize their child’s potential! This brings forth some very important questions. Is this the right environment for a child to succeed? What is important to children for their physical, intellectual, social and developmental growth? To put it all in a nutshell, what do we need to do to ensure our children’s success as adults?
Learning to play, playing to learn
Children need time to be children. Play to a child is different than what it is to an adult. In a creative environment with adequate adult supervision, free play helps children increase their academic potential, physical and social skills. Spontaneous play enables the child to be creative. It gives them an opportunity to work on their developmental skills and acquire new ones. Unstructured spontaneous play is important at every age. For example, a 3 year old is often more interested in playing with the cardboard box and wrapping paper than the toy that came in it. Left to their own devices, children have to be inventive and creative to amuse themselves. Children who involve in fantasy play in their pre-school and early school years usually turn out to be the more creative problem-solvers as they get older.
The over-scheduled child
“All work and no play make a dull child.” This old adage holds true. Often, parents fear that cutting back, or not involving their children in organized activities could harm their child’s future achievements. In fact, having your child busy with organized activities from dawn to bedtime may have your children, as well as the rest of the family, stressed out. This type of schedule may keep the child from developing self-reliance. Self-esteem also can be negatively affected if too much pressure and scrutiny are placed on the child, sending the unintentional message that he or she is not meeting the expectations set by the parents.
So what are the signs that your child is doing too much? The over-scheduled child may always seem tired. The child becomes easily frustrated, with tears and tantrums over trivial situations. The child finds it difficult to assume basic responsibilities like chores around the home or personal care. Usually, an over-scheduled child tends to have over-scheduled parents. Everything in the family becomes a crisis situation, with a lack of reasonable conversation.
Parenting problems
Over-involvement of parents in a child’s life can be detrimental. These parents want their children to succeed, and believe that any early advantage will keep a child ahead of his or her peers. In the quest to achieve a perfect upbringing for their beloved children, parents try to enrich and inundate their children with organized social, academic and athletic activities. Piping Mozart into the nursery to increase the I.Q., gymnastics classes to fine-tune motor development and soccer practices for toddlers who barely comprehend rules are some of the activities to which our children are subjected. It is not unusual for the sleepy 7-year-old to be dragged out of bed to piano lessons each morning. The question really is whether any of these activities are truly needed to get our children ahead. Do they need to speak earlier than the others in the playgroup? Do they need to excel in numbers in kindergarten to become a whiz as an adult? In fact, this busy lifestyle is what drives some children to get away from parents and immerse themselves in Gameboys and Nintendos.
What our children and their families need is to slow down and allow children to think, discover, create their own worlds and rediscover the joy of being a child. Parents need to trust themselves and listen to what they feel would be best for their children rather than react to the most recent item reported in the media. Allow a child time each day to devise his or her own structure to playtime. Sentence your kids to boredom. In fact, be happy if you get the “I’m bored” response. Let your children figure out ways and use their own creativity to entertain themselves. Give them a break from organized activities and media babysitters (e.g. TV and computer games).
Setting the stage
So you’ve decided to give your children time to indulge in some unorganized activity each day. Now, how do you go about this? Make sure your children are in a safe environment and provide them with the raw material to be creative. Sometimes paints, paintbrushes, books and balls may be the norm, but often a safe environment may suffice. Outdoor activities are especially important. It keeps children healthy and prevents obesity. Your children will learn to pace themselves gradually once they get used to having to be creative and imaginative during play.
Suggestions and help from parents during play are greatly appreciated. But don’t take over! Have the child make the decisions, as long as they are safe and appropriate. Being involved with children during play is like entering a magical world. Parents should occasionally take the time to play with them, letting the child lead you into his or her world. And children appreciate the fact that adults value their play. It helps build closeness and confidence, and enhances the level of communication between parents and children.
Parents also need to ensure their children have recess at school. Recess gives them an opportunity to be involved in a team activity or sport, be physically active on their own or spend time conversing with friends and recharging their minds for more study time.
Preparation for success
The million-dollar question comes back to “what can I do to make my child successful?” The definition of success varies from parent to parent. But remember, no matter what your criteria for success is, childhood is a time for preparation and not a full performance. Your child does not need to pass the achievement test while still a child. A slow reader may turn out to become a great novelist, and the daydreamer a brilliant scientist. And hence, trying keep up with the playgroup in enrichment activities and getting ahead of the rest of the class may not be what is right for your child. Children should not need a social calendar. Give your child the time and the environment for the brain to develop. Let them experience the joy and the advantages of unstructured play. Children are not supposed to excel in anything. On the contrary, they are supposed to learn. To a child, play is learning. And it may be just the secret to their success for which you are looking.
Written by Salil Jacob, M.D.
October 2003
